And a disgruntled New Year
Complaining is a both a talent that I've been honing, and a habit I've learned to avoid, but I can't help but feel that a lot of people I know are getting it the wrong way around.
If you're in restaurant, and you ask for your steak medium, and it arrives bloody as a punch in the nose, you've found yourself in a complaint-worthy situation. Send it back; it's not what you asked for. Unfortunately, a lot of people, due not in the least to British politeness (read: British avoidance, aversion to confrontation, and lack of assertiveness) would just let this slide. I'm not saying you need to slug the waitress, just calmly explain that there seems to be a problem.
Conversely, complaining as a habit seems to be taking over some peoples lives and personalities entirely. Oh, the weather is shit, the queue is too long we'll be here all day, all of the x-factor contestants are shit this year (yes they are, but if it's pissing you off that much then why are you still watching the show?). It's an addiction that will eventually hijack every other opinion and reaction you've ever had.
So, don't get it twisted: learn to complain when it's called for, but don't get addicted. If you're worried you may be an addict, your friends are probably too polite to tell you, but I have no qualms whatsoever about telling you to shut the fuck up.
Happy Fucking Christmas!
Saturday 24 December 2011
Monday 19 December 2011
Are You Dating 'The Crazy Guy'?
And ten tips to avoid him
I recently broke my long-term pattern of dating 'The Nice Guy' (read: boring) in favour of dating men who I found more exciting, not so 'safe', and apparently more than a little crazy. After a year of affairs with married men, awesome sex and enough drama to last me a lifetime, I decided a few months ago to end a relationship which had taken a massive turn for the worst. The guy has initially seemed relatively normal, but a few months into our relationship, he managed to have a complete personality change, and the worst thing is that I didn't see it coming.
As a little preliminary research before writing this article, I typed 'how to spot crazy men' into google. The first page that comes up? The A.D.P Diaries: Are You Dating A Crazy Woman?
Women have always had a bad reputation for crazy relationship behaviour: the minute you raise your voice, or get upset about something, you run the risk of being branded a crazy bitch. But men are just as capable of being crazy bitches. What is particularly disturbing though are the ones who manage to hide it successfully. Next thing you know, they're established enough that you can't just break away, and you're trapped into putting up with a relationship that can turn abusive. I mean, we always knew these guys existed, but we're led to think that the women who endure them are down-trodden Sylvia-Plath-reading willowy-types in grey cardigans, not anything like our fabulous, sassy selves. OK, I guess the signs were there, and to a certain extent I chose to look the other way, but I had no idea how bad things were about to get.
So I've re-examined the details of this disaster and identified ten key stages of deterioration. Of course, they may appear in any order, but the up-shot is that it's a whole lot of crap that will eventually break down even the most sassy woman, leaving her crying into a cup of tea and wondering how she let it go wrong.
1. He's jealous of your girl friends.
Now, it's understandable that he might get jealous of you spending time with other guys, but your girls? Not ok, and definitely not normal. Why does this happen? He's doing a pretty good job of hiding his true self from you, but he's afraid your friends might notice, and tell you.
2. He's mean to his mum.
Bizarre mother-son relationships can reveal a lot about what your guy is really like. If he talks down to his own mother, or is very critical about her to you, beware. Freud talked a lot of crap, but he had a point about the impact of early relationships on later adult relationships and behavioral development (though he also stated that homosexuality could sometimes be 'removed' through hypnotic suggestion). Other signs include blaming his mother for the fact his parents aren't together any more, and blaming his 'trust issues' on her behaviour. Of course, if you've actually met her, it shouldn't be too hard to identify is she really is a crazy bitch, like he says. If she's not, then likely he is.
3. He'll get angry at you.
For no reason. And point-blank refuse to tell you why.
And if you get upset when he does this, then his plan is working. Why does he do this? He's annoyed about something you did or said, but deep down he knows it's totally not legitimate. For example, he's annoyed you had lunch with a friend, or chose to spend an evening doing something without him. Look for patterns: does he always find a way to get angry at you right before you go somewhere? Does it happen around the time important events are happening, the day before an interview, or right before you go to meet a friend for dinner?
4. His friends aren't exactly awesome.
I don't like to pre-judge people, but you really can tell a lot about someone based on their friends. If they're a bunch of womanizing bigots, what do you really think he's doing when you're not around? Every guy probably has a few friends you don't see eye to eye with, but if you wouldn't choose to be friends with any of his friends, tread carefully. Also beware of the guy who has a lot of casual acquaintances, but doesn't seem particularly close to any of them - The Crazy Guy is often a loner.
Likewise, if he chooses to associate with assholes, the evidence is somewhat suggestive.
5. He punishes you.
For things you've done which he sees as 'wrong'. For example, he turns up three hours late when you make plans, because the night before, you came home from work late. Or he starts sending flirty texts to a girl at work because you laughed at a male friends joke.
He has unreasonable expectations of you, but on some level is aware that they are unreasonable, so he has to be indirect in putting things back on an even keel. It's like he's constantly trying to even things out, because he sees your normal behaviour as a transgression.
6. He is overly polite to your family.
In a slightly uncomfortable 'grovelling' sort of way. Emphasis on overly, as in, it feels forced and over-wrought. For example, if you have an argument and he knows you've discussed it with your mum, he quickly sends her a message to smooth things over. Again, he's worried that the people close to you will see what he's really like, and so he's extra careful to make sure your family don't dislike him. He's already acting overly-apologetic, for the way he is about to start treating you.
7. He hates his exes.
All of them. If he isn't on reasonably good terms with any of his exes, beware: there is probably a good reason, and the thing they all have in common is him. He will try and convince you that they are completely to blame, and that he was the victim. He'll tell you all about their short-comings, and none of his own. All of us have a couple of exes we wish didn't exist anymore, but his can't all be crazy cheating manipulative bitches.
8. If he does something wrong, you're the one apologizing.
If you confront him about something he's done that upsets you, he'll find a way of turning it around to be your fault. His go-to reaction is anger. An hour into a huge argument, you won't know how it's happened, but you're the one who is supposed to be apologizing now. And if you point this out to him, he just shrugs.
9. He's a Facebook stalker.
This, to a degree is normal, especially since the information is just sitting there waiting to be looked at. But if he gets mad that you don't post love notes on his wall often enough, it's verging on crazy. If he stalks every new friend you make, and quizzes you about how you know them, and if you're interested in them sexually, take heed. Other highly incriminating behavior includes but is not limited to; insisting on appearing on your 'family' list, but taking you on and off of his each time you argue, and breaking into your account, asking for your password, or demanding to see your messages.
Basically, if you start to wish you didn't even have a facebook account because of the trouble it causes between you both, then it's safe to say his Crazy has probably gone viral.
Finally, and and possibly the scariest of all:
10. Deliberate mirroring.
Now, it's normal for couples to mirror each other, and it occurs naturally when people are building a positive rapport. But the Crazy Guy will do it deliberately, too early on in the relationship, in order to get closer to you and build a stronger bond.
This is one hell of a beast, camouflaged cleverly in the bushes, and this is the big one that I personally missed. I should've seen it, on about our 5th night together, when we stayed up talking and laughing until 4am. He was suddenly was acting really giggly, excitable and annoying. Just. Like. Me.
Since this experience, I've upped my security levels, and my personal bullshit firewall can handle possibly one or two of the above. Any more than three, and I'd say run for the hills: the guys a ticking time bomb of crazy that's about to explode all over your life.
I recently broke my long-term pattern of dating 'The Nice Guy' (read: boring) in favour of dating men who I found more exciting, not so 'safe', and apparently more than a little crazy. After a year of affairs with married men, awesome sex and enough drama to last me a lifetime, I decided a few months ago to end a relationship which had taken a massive turn for the worst. The guy has initially seemed relatively normal, but a few months into our relationship, he managed to have a complete personality change, and the worst thing is that I didn't see it coming.
As a little preliminary research before writing this article, I typed 'how to spot crazy men' into google. The first page that comes up? The A.D.P Diaries: Are You Dating A Crazy Woman?
Women have always had a bad reputation for crazy relationship behaviour: the minute you raise your voice, or get upset about something, you run the risk of being branded a crazy bitch. But men are just as capable of being crazy bitches. What is particularly disturbing though are the ones who manage to hide it successfully. Next thing you know, they're established enough that you can't just break away, and you're trapped into putting up with a relationship that can turn abusive. I mean, we always knew these guys existed, but we're led to think that the women who endure them are down-trodden Sylvia-Plath-reading willowy-types in grey cardigans, not anything like our fabulous, sassy selves. OK, I guess the signs were there, and to a certain extent I chose to look the other way, but I had no idea how bad things were about to get.
So I've re-examined the details of this disaster and identified ten key stages of deterioration. Of course, they may appear in any order, but the up-shot is that it's a whole lot of crap that will eventually break down even the most sassy woman, leaving her crying into a cup of tea and wondering how she let it go wrong.
1. He's jealous of your girl friends.
Now, it's understandable that he might get jealous of you spending time with other guys, but your girls? Not ok, and definitely not normal. Why does this happen? He's doing a pretty good job of hiding his true self from you, but he's afraid your friends might notice, and tell you.
2. He's mean to his mum.
Bizarre mother-son relationships can reveal a lot about what your guy is really like. If he talks down to his own mother, or is very critical about her to you, beware. Freud talked a lot of crap, but he had a point about the impact of early relationships on later adult relationships and behavioral development (though he also stated that homosexuality could sometimes be 'removed' through hypnotic suggestion). Other signs include blaming his mother for the fact his parents aren't together any more, and blaming his 'trust issues' on her behaviour. Of course, if you've actually met her, it shouldn't be too hard to identify is she really is a crazy bitch, like he says. If she's not, then likely he is.
3. He'll get angry at you.
For no reason. And point-blank refuse to tell you why.
And if you get upset when he does this, then his plan is working. Why does he do this? He's annoyed about something you did or said, but deep down he knows it's totally not legitimate. For example, he's annoyed you had lunch with a friend, or chose to spend an evening doing something without him. Look for patterns: does he always find a way to get angry at you right before you go somewhere? Does it happen around the time important events are happening, the day before an interview, or right before you go to meet a friend for dinner?
4. His friends aren't exactly awesome.
I don't like to pre-judge people, but you really can tell a lot about someone based on their friends. If they're a bunch of womanizing bigots, what do you really think he's doing when you're not around? Every guy probably has a few friends you don't see eye to eye with, but if you wouldn't choose to be friends with any of his friends, tread carefully. Also beware of the guy who has a lot of casual acquaintances, but doesn't seem particularly close to any of them - The Crazy Guy is often a loner.
Likewise, if he chooses to associate with assholes, the evidence is somewhat suggestive.
5. He punishes you.
For things you've done which he sees as 'wrong'. For example, he turns up three hours late when you make plans, because the night before, you came home from work late. Or he starts sending flirty texts to a girl at work because you laughed at a male friends joke.
He has unreasonable expectations of you, but on some level is aware that they are unreasonable, so he has to be indirect in putting things back on an even keel. It's like he's constantly trying to even things out, because he sees your normal behaviour as a transgression.
6. He is overly polite to your family.
In a slightly uncomfortable 'grovelling' sort of way. Emphasis on overly, as in, it feels forced and over-wrought. For example, if you have an argument and he knows you've discussed it with your mum, he quickly sends her a message to smooth things over. Again, he's worried that the people close to you will see what he's really like, and so he's extra careful to make sure your family don't dislike him. He's already acting overly-apologetic, for the way he is about to start treating you.
7. He hates his exes.
All of them. If he isn't on reasonably good terms with any of his exes, beware: there is probably a good reason, and the thing they all have in common is him. He will try and convince you that they are completely to blame, and that he was the victim. He'll tell you all about their short-comings, and none of his own. All of us have a couple of exes we wish didn't exist anymore, but his can't all be crazy cheating manipulative bitches.
8. If he does something wrong, you're the one apologizing.
If you confront him about something he's done that upsets you, he'll find a way of turning it around to be your fault. His go-to reaction is anger. An hour into a huge argument, you won't know how it's happened, but you're the one who is supposed to be apologizing now. And if you point this out to him, he just shrugs.
9. He's a Facebook stalker.
This, to a degree is normal, especially since the information is just sitting there waiting to be looked at. But if he gets mad that you don't post love notes on his wall often enough, it's verging on crazy. If he stalks every new friend you make, and quizzes you about how you know them, and if you're interested in them sexually, take heed. Other highly incriminating behavior includes but is not limited to; insisting on appearing on your 'family' list, but taking you on and off of his each time you argue, and breaking into your account, asking for your password, or demanding to see your messages.
Basically, if you start to wish you didn't even have a facebook account because of the trouble it causes between you both, then it's safe to say his Crazy has probably gone viral.
Finally, and and possibly the scariest of all:
10. Deliberate mirroring.
Now, it's normal for couples to mirror each other, and it occurs naturally when people are building a positive rapport. But the Crazy Guy will do it deliberately, too early on in the relationship, in order to get closer to you and build a stronger bond.
This is one hell of a beast, camouflaged cleverly in the bushes, and this is the big one that I personally missed. I should've seen it, on about our 5th night together, when we stayed up talking and laughing until 4am. He was suddenly was acting really giggly, excitable and annoying. Just. Like. Me.
Since this experience, I've upped my security levels, and my personal bullshit firewall can handle possibly one or two of the above. Any more than three, and I'd say run for the hills: the guys a ticking time bomb of crazy that's about to explode all over your life.
Sunday 18 December 2011
Fake It 'til You Make It?
Once you get on that train, it's hard to get off
It has been estimated by various studies that 70% of women fake orgasms at some point in their sexual lives. Some fake it every time, while others just save it for when they're too tired and don't want to disappoint their hard-working lover. Personally, I fall into the 'sometimes' catergory, but I've learned that it's a slippery slope.
I faked it with one ex simply because he just didn't do it for me. The sex eventually fizzled out anyway, and the relationship followed shortly after. Honestly, there was very little chance of him ever being able to get me there, so whilst the logic is somewhat bizarre, having fake ones seemed to be a comfortable stop-over between it's-not-working-but-maybe-if-I-give-it-time and let's-break-up.
The next guy I started faking it with was a totally different story - there was intense sexual chemistry between us, but he was too rough and clumsy to get me there, and not particularly happy to take directions from me. I figured it deserved some time, as there sexual attraction was there. I was right -
after about three months of faking it, something changed, and for whatever reason, he suddenly started ticking the box. Great news! I didn't have to fake it any more. I figured I'd simply cut down on the faking it, seamlessly replacing the fakies with real orgasms, in a way that was unnoticeable to the naked eye.
Unfortunately, my plan didn't quite work out; apparently it's not so easy to hop off this train when you've reached your destination. He noticed that something was different - suddenly I was taking longer to reach orgasm, and having fewer than I was before.
I tried to explain myself with some crap about how these orgasms were better than the ones I'd been having before... it was utterly unconvincing, but what else could I say? Thankfully, as ridiculous as my excuse was, he bought it, because deep down, he (and many, many other men across the globe) would never actually have believed that I, a woman, had been faking it, so convincingly, so many times. And more importantly, the unavoidable truth about how this reflected on his ability to get me off.
What is slightly worrying is that for the longest time, this was a secret that was closely guarded by women, but now, men are on to us. Thankfully, their ego's are still an obstacle in really seeing this issue clearly. Though, they're not entirely to blame - there wouldn't be anything to see at all if we weren't being deceptive in the first place.
I suspect that the underlying reason for doing this is basically the same: to avoid facing the truth that sex with this person just isn't working, and ensuing feelings of failure and inadequacy. Maybe we worry that we'll never have good sex again, and we're suddenly imagining a Ginsberg-style fear trap of ourselves, fat, alone, and unloved.
Well, I say fuck the fear-trap (though I wouldn't usually recommend fucking a trap, it's never going to end well), chalk it up to experience, and don't put up with bad sex. The bottom line is that you're wasting your time with someone who doesn't push your buttons, when you could be meeting someone who does, and where's the logic in that?
It has been estimated by various studies that 70% of women fake orgasms at some point in their sexual lives. Some fake it every time, while others just save it for when they're too tired and don't want to disappoint their hard-working lover. Personally, I fall into the 'sometimes' catergory, but I've learned that it's a slippery slope.
I faked it with one ex simply because he just didn't do it for me. The sex eventually fizzled out anyway, and the relationship followed shortly after. Honestly, there was very little chance of him ever being able to get me there, so whilst the logic is somewhat bizarre, having fake ones seemed to be a comfortable stop-over between it's-not-working-but-maybe-if-I-give-it-time and let's-break-up.
The next guy I started faking it with was a totally different story - there was intense sexual chemistry between us, but he was too rough and clumsy to get me there, and not particularly happy to take directions from me. I figured it deserved some time, as there sexual attraction was there. I was right -
after about three months of faking it, something changed, and for whatever reason, he suddenly started ticking the box. Great news! I didn't have to fake it any more. I figured I'd simply cut down on the faking it, seamlessly replacing the fakies with real orgasms, in a way that was unnoticeable to the naked eye.
Unfortunately, my plan didn't quite work out; apparently it's not so easy to hop off this train when you've reached your destination. He noticed that something was different - suddenly I was taking longer to reach orgasm, and having fewer than I was before.
I tried to explain myself with some crap about how these orgasms were better than the ones I'd been having before... it was utterly unconvincing, but what else could I say? Thankfully, as ridiculous as my excuse was, he bought it, because deep down, he (and many, many other men across the globe) would never actually have believed that I, a woman, had been faking it, so convincingly, so many times. And more importantly, the unavoidable truth about how this reflected on his ability to get me off.
What is slightly worrying is that for the longest time, this was a secret that was closely guarded by women, but now, men are on to us. Thankfully, their ego's are still an obstacle in really seeing this issue clearly. Though, they're not entirely to blame - there wouldn't be anything to see at all if we weren't being deceptive in the first place.
I suspect that the underlying reason for doing this is basically the same: to avoid facing the truth that sex with this person just isn't working, and ensuing feelings of failure and inadequacy. Maybe we worry that we'll never have good sex again, and we're suddenly imagining a Ginsberg-style fear trap of ourselves, fat, alone, and unloved.
Well, I say fuck the fear-trap (though I wouldn't usually recommend fucking a trap, it's never going to end well), chalk it up to experience, and don't put up with bad sex. The bottom line is that you're wasting your time with someone who doesn't push your buttons, when you could be meeting someone who does, and where's the logic in that?
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